


We've Got a Lot to Learn

by wordsleftunsaid



Category: Glee, but not really - Fandom
Genre: Angst, I'm so sorry, M/M, Pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-11
Updated: 2017-06-11
Packaged: 2018-11-12 16:34:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11165757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wordsleftunsaid/pseuds/wordsleftunsaid
Summary: TW: Suicide/Thoughts of Suicide, Mentions of SexSebastian has to deal with feelings he didn't think he'd ever have to deal with.





	We've Got a Lot to Learn

_ Even the stars, they burn. Some even fall to the earth. _

 

I never really understood those lyrics. Not until I met Xander Callahan. I thought I got them before that, but I didn’t fully appreciate them until this man came into my life.

 

See, stars are beautiful. Celestial. People stare at them for hours without losing interest because of how captivating they are.

 

But they burn. Sometimes, they even burn out. Regardless, burning means pain. And no matter how beautiful something--or  _ someone _ \--is, they still can get hurt. They’re not immune to life.

 

_ Some even fall to the earth _ .  Now, this part can be taken two different ways. Either the pain is too much for them to handle, and they break. Or they grace the world with their presence.

 

Xander did both.

 

When I was in high school, anyone would laugh at the thought of me being in a relationship, let alone settling down with one person for the rest of my life; myself included. I’ll get a little off topic for a minute.  Sex was just a hobby to me. It didn’t seem to matter to me who was under me. Not that I was addicted to it; I wasn’t. And I didn’t exactly actively seek it, either. I just never stopped it when it came up.

 

It came up with Xander. But it was different with him. Even after only knowing him a few days, it meant something with him. I figured out pretty early on that this man was going to change my life one way or another. And I didn’t exactly have a choice in the matter. I’ve never been much of one for destiny, but I’m positive that meeting him was no coincidence.

 

We met at a karaoke bar, of all places.  He later told me that the only reason he’d even gone in in the first place was because he heard me singing. Regular bars aren’t his thing, supposedly. He’s always been more one for gay bars, which he took me to numerous times after that.

 

I bought him a drink. He asked me to dance. And we did, until the bar closed. Then we bid adieus and went our separate ways without exchanging information.

 

As much as I hate to admit, I’m the one who searched for him frantically.  Looked online, though I only knew his name was Xander.  And New York is a big city, so I got nowhere there.  I ended up finding him through mutual friends.  Apparently he was as into Broadway stuff as I was.  Describe a kid with bowties and a mess of curly hair and suddenly he can be found among the crowd.

 

I played it well, though. At least I thought I did. I had my friend ask him to go out with a group of his friends and act like it was a complete coincidence. He later told me his friend explained my plan from the get-go, and he just went with it.

 

That was the night we slept together, but that’s not the point. He knew we’d be seeing each other that night, so he knew he’d want to make a good impression.  Gelled his hair, wore his favorite outfit. I didn’t stand a chance.

 

Anyone who has ever truly been in love knows how it feels to be paid attention to for the first time.  I don’t mean just people acknowledging you.  I was Captain of the Warblers.  I know how it feels to be the focus of attention.  But it was different with him.  _ Everything _ was different with him. He made me feel truly paid attention to. Noticed the little things, y’know? Always said he’d known when I was scared by the look in my eyes, even though to everyone else, I was perfectly calm.

 

This man encompassed everything I needed in life. A hand to hold. A friend that I could go to with whatever stupid idea came to mind. Someone who listened. Someone who never made me doubt how much they cared. Someone who paid attention to the little things and made me feel like I mattered.

 

He mattered. I know he didn’t feel it, and maybe that’s my fault. I should’ve seen the signs that I know he would’ve noticed in me. I loved him. And anyone who knows me would know that I don’t say that lightly. Actually, the only other person I’d even said that to was my mom. As I said, he was different.  In so many ways.

 

We went to pride last year. And there was this girl there; couldn’t have been more than seventeen. It was her first pride and she’d gone alone. Here’s a tip for anyone considering it. Don’t go alone to pride. Especially your first time. This girl’s name is Shawna, though that isn’t relevant to this story.  Anyway, she was extremely intimidated by everything around her. Xander was gracious enough to be calm and helpful when he approached her, talking her through different things before promising for us to stick with her until she was ready to go home.  And when that time came, we walked her home. Shawna and I remain friends to this day.

 

The thing about Xander is, he changed the lives of every person he met. My friend I’d mentioned before wouldn’t have proposed to his now husband if it weren’t for Xander.  Shawna’s life changed.   _ My _ life changed.

 

I realize now that while he was busy helping everyone else, he wa

 

***

 

Looking down at the piece of paper in front of me, I realize I can’t finish this, let alone read it in a crowded church.  There’s a small box on the side of my desk, and my hand absentmindedly finds its way to it, opening it to look at the band inside.

 

And here is the moment I realize I need to be with him again.  So I take out another piece of paper and start writing a different kind of note.


End file.
